So you want to scare a screenwriter

8 terrifying things you can say to writers

Oct 31, 2025

∙ Paid

Happy Halloween! In honor of the season of scares, I figured I’d share eight evil expressions designed to haunt writers’ souls.

Speaking of soul haunting, who wants to get on zoom?!?!

We have our next Hollyweird Hang (it’s a zoom where we hang) tomorrow Saturday November 1st at 1PM PT. These are for PAID HOLLYWEIRDOS only so if you’ve been thinking about becoming a paid subscriber, now is the perfect time.

That link will be below, behind the paywallllll….. [thunder and lightning]

a cat in a robe is sitting on a bed with the words [ manic laughter ] written above it

Some of the scariest things you can say to a screenwriter

“Bake off”

No not the Great British Bake Off! We’re talking a “bake off” between writers. There’s no worse news to hear from your agent or manager than... “they want you to come pitch on it but it’s a bake off.” While in theory it means you have a shot, in practice it means you’re competing with every other screenwriter you’ve ever met or heard of, including the rest of your agent’s screenwriting clients, including the academy award winning ones. But you’re saying there’s still a chance!

a man is talking to a woman and saying `` so you 're telling me there 's a chance .

“Practice pitch”

“We’re nearly there. But first we want to hear a practice pitch. Then we’ll have notes on the practice pitch. Then you should probably incorporate those notes and we’ll do another practice pitch. When we hear that, we’ll probably have just a few more tweaks...”

bart simpson is giving a speech at a podium while homer simpson stands behind him

“Just a few more tweaks...”

This is the moment at the end of the movie when the hero has finally, once and for all killed the terrible monster attacking and murdering people, only to turn their backs on the monster just in time for the monster to seemingly reanimate for one final death defying battle.

After all we’ve been through, somehow there’s more???

a man wearing a mask is holding a large knife

“If/Come”

The scariest kind of deal in Hollywood, this is basically the “be careful what you wish for” of deals. We’ll pay you! Yay! If we can sell this project to someone else who can pay us first! Sounds reasonable until you realize that’s that’s a pretty big if, and what it will mean in the meantime is you’re coming in and out of the offices hearing notes on the pitch/project forever. Screenwriting deal or eternal curse? You decide!

a black and white photo of a police officer holding a gun and the words for written on his face

“Merger”

Want to talk scary deals? There’s nothing more existential than news of yet another potential merger. Imagine you are a friendly neighborhood knife sharpener. Imagine two of your only clients are Freddy and Jason. Sometimes they will hire you, other times they want to kill you. Now imagine Freddy & Jason have decided to combine into one mega-villain, and as a result are combining their murder weapons into one single weapon in order to maximize their “synergy opportunities.” Not great news!

Want to really put the fear of god in a writer? Announce a merger!